It worried me somewhat to realise that cutting myself off from the psychologically addictive side of the internet would actually make my daily life a lot less functional, and therefore quite miserable.
Out of sight, out of mind - most people I care about would probably find other ways to find out if I'm still alive, but carry on forgetting me anyway if I were no longer part of their daily news feed or contact list. By "forgetting" I mean gradually less interested and motivated to start a conversation or meet up. Also, vital parts of my charity and uni work are discussed on Facebook groups so I could probably kiss that goodbye too. I was born an extravert, yet that would make me more of an introvert than I've forcefully become over the years, which I don't feel would be healthy. Confusing.
I can't help wondering if the author of this fine reflection paper could be the only one who truly understands how my mind works without having ever met me. That's still a brave thing to say for someone who's never understood themselves to begin with. I've been on this planet for a while so really, what in the world am I? :)
There's more than a handful of personality types and expecting to fit a description perfectly is a bit extreme. People are different in a both fascinating and frightening way, and one's personality type usually depends on a sum of general traits that are most specific to them. As for me, I'll always be an IC - the Impulsively Confused :)
I was a very social, talkative kid who literally would not stop blabbering and made friends with everyone; teachers' bitch whenever poems had to be read out loud or a presenter was needed for school events. I wrote and acted in school plays. I loved the attention and lived for it, which is not unusual for children; however, I still feel the need for social acceptance in present and my not so modest ego demands its praise. On the bright side, this has never led to impulsive or self-destructive behaviour. I think...
All the way through secondary school I became very anxious and withdrawn due to bullying and family issues. I've always been unusually sensitive to both positive and negative emotions, which was more overwhelming than ever in my teenage years. I'd be sat in a classroom for hours without speaking a single word to anyone, which continued later on in high school, the most significant and stressful change in my life up to that point.
University and my gap year turned things around again. I deliberately put myself through the social pressure I hated, hoping to overcome the issues I felt were keeping me from being myself again. Looking back at it four years later it seems like everything paid off. What doesn't make any sense is me becoming more and more of a misanthrope with the improvement of my social life.
Personality wise, I now consider myself to be a weird mix of the above. I love getting to know people and spending time with them. I will challenge myself for the sake of winning, possibly knowing I'd regret what I'd have to do to get there (never anything promiscuous as I know where to draw the line; licking toilet seats and downing bottles of spirits are not acceptable). I can be the life and soul of the party and wear my heart on my sleeve...
...but all of it makes me tired after a while. The most draining thing I could possibly experience, though insanely satisfying for the part of me that needs it. I need regular breaks from people and the world. I sometimes feel too mentally worn out to answer the doorbell or write up an email, become unusually self-critical and worry about, well, everything. I've solutions to problems that don't even exist, or solve them long before they appear!
I'm basically the most confusing human being I know. Who loves cats and is falling asleep on her laptop. Sweet dreams, simpletons!
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