I'm quiet because I'm reserved, and not because I'm stupid or not fluent in a language. I often get the feeling I speak in a very academic/studied way that most people struggle to understand.
Since the age of 15 until I finished secondary school I've had English grammar shoved down my throat (unlike other teenage girls who would take cock with a cup of tea instead) and wrote essays on Shakespeare and Poe as light homework. The essays turned out to be completely useless in the long term, but were thoroughly analysed, judged and graded by people whose authority I resented at the time - and still do, except I no longer have to put up with it. In other words, my favourite reads, interests and opinion of the world go far beyond the newest issue of the Daily Mail.
I grew up learning new words like "obsequious", "contemptible" and "concupiscence". So forgive me for not feeling comfortable using "friendlier" language like "you alright me' luvvie?" and "what you done now me' darlin'?". And forgive me if I find it appalling when an English speaker can't spell the word "hygiene".
I will always be serious, reserved and formal until I get to know you because it's just the way I am. I can't talk about the bloody X-factor or join a group of women in a conversation about their lovely partners who used to help them shave their legs when they were pregnant.
This doesn't mean I am intolerant or hostile. I just can't relate to small talk. Or women. Or people. Sometimes I get quiet even during conversations I enjoy. That's my natural way of saying
I DON'T GIVE A MONKEY'S
or
MY RESPONSE TO THAT WOULD BE SO (tick as appropriate) COMPLICATED/STUPID/MEH/USELESS/OFFENSIVE I'M NOT EVEN SURE IT'S WORTH SHARING
I swear I wasn't made to be British. Or of any other culture/nationality whatsoever, as I can't seem to fit in no matter where I go.
Well, I'm starting my own country. With blackjack. And hookers.
Monday, 8 September 2014
Monday, 1 September 2014
Um, that four-letter word again. You know, that word
And no, it's not "fuck" :) tut, tut, dirty people.
It's what most people would regard as the opposite of it.
Love has a different meaning for everyone. Some people fall in love after a few nights out in a pub, others after months of being in a relationship, and others right after they've sadly parted. Someone may not love someone else back in the same way. His love is shallow and shared between several other lovers, whereas hers is selfless and exclusive. No gender discrimination intended in the example - men are sometimes more genuine and sincere if things escalate and turn into a deep connection where the physical spark becomes a catalyst and not the reaction itself.
Could that be one of the many possible ways to define it?
Most things people say about love are overrated and unbearably cheesy, but like I said, love has a different meaning for everyone. I don't fall for pick-up lines and cheap flirtation, and therefore will never be successful with online dating. I couldn't fall in love with anyone I haven't met in person. I'm still very confused as to what love means and feels like, although I might have an idea waiting to be challenged against any similar feelings I may experience in the future. It's already been challenged against the past, and went far beyond anything I've learnt.
Does love come only once in a lifetime? I'm honestly too young to even express an opinion. One thing I'm sure of is that the way you experience and understand love can change depending on your lovers, past and present, and that it is possible to love more than one person in different ways. I don't know whether you can love one person in the same way you've loved another, or love several people simultaneously and also genuinely. Maybe the more experienced of you can give me your opinion on that?
There's always something sad about love, something that makes happy couples a rare blessing, irrespective of their understanding of it - that's not for us to judge. As beautiful as it may be, love is rarely fulfilled and often incompatible with the long-term interests and welfare of those involved. Love creates and destroys, brings together and pulls apart; it is cathartic and heartwrenching.
Should we celebrate love? Should we despise it? Shun it? Long for it until we end up disappointed and wrecked?
I welcome it, no matter how rewarding or painful. I only have so much to live and an eternity to spend feeling (literally) nothing, so I might as well be happy and sad, heartbroken and complete - for a month, a year, five years or (if I'm lucky) happily ever after. I don't say goodbye to love, or hold a grudge against the love that severed.
What do you say to love?
Go away, fuck off, never come back?
Please stay, please don't leave, I need you, I will die without you?
Love me, love no one else but me?
Stay...?
No.
I don't send love away, nor do I beg it to stay; I don't lock it in a box and keep it to myself forever - most certainly not if it belongs to someone else. Love comes unexpectedly and often goes in the same way. I can't keep love in one place or force it upon anyone.
So I say thank you for stopping by.
It's what most people would regard as the opposite of it.
Love has a different meaning for everyone. Some people fall in love after a few nights out in a pub, others after months of being in a relationship, and others right after they've sadly parted. Someone may not love someone else back in the same way. His love is shallow and shared between several other lovers, whereas hers is selfless and exclusive. No gender discrimination intended in the example - men are sometimes more genuine and sincere if things escalate and turn into a deep connection where the physical spark becomes a catalyst and not the reaction itself.
Could that be one of the many possible ways to define it?
Most things people say about love are overrated and unbearably cheesy, but like I said, love has a different meaning for everyone. I don't fall for pick-up lines and cheap flirtation, and therefore will never be successful with online dating. I couldn't fall in love with anyone I haven't met in person. I'm still very confused as to what love means and feels like, although I might have an idea waiting to be challenged against any similar feelings I may experience in the future. It's already been challenged against the past, and went far beyond anything I've learnt.
Does love come only once in a lifetime? I'm honestly too young to even express an opinion. One thing I'm sure of is that the way you experience and understand love can change depending on your lovers, past and present, and that it is possible to love more than one person in different ways. I don't know whether you can love one person in the same way you've loved another, or love several people simultaneously and also genuinely. Maybe the more experienced of you can give me your opinion on that?
There's always something sad about love, something that makes happy couples a rare blessing, irrespective of their understanding of it - that's not for us to judge. As beautiful as it may be, love is rarely fulfilled and often incompatible with the long-term interests and welfare of those involved. Love creates and destroys, brings together and pulls apart; it is cathartic and heartwrenching.
Should we celebrate love? Should we despise it? Shun it? Long for it until we end up disappointed and wrecked?
I welcome it, no matter how rewarding or painful. I only have so much to live and an eternity to spend feeling (literally) nothing, so I might as well be happy and sad, heartbroken and complete - for a month, a year, five years or (if I'm lucky) happily ever after. I don't say goodbye to love, or hold a grudge against the love that severed.
What do you say to love?
Go away, fuck off, never come back?
Please stay, please don't leave, I need you, I will die without you?
Love me, love no one else but me?
Stay...?
No.
I don't send love away, nor do I beg it to stay; I don't lock it in a box and keep it to myself forever - most certainly not if it belongs to someone else. Love comes unexpectedly and often goes in the same way. I can't keep love in one place or force it upon anyone.
So I say thank you for stopping by.
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