Romanian encounters - episode one, but not the first in the series (this was the appropriate number to begin with because I honestly lost count)

You know you're in Bucharest when a shop security agent gives you a suspicious look and alerts his colleague through the walkie talkie because he noticed you opened your bag while you were browsing the perfume section. You know you're not Romanian enough if you choose not to confront them and sulk over being taken for a thief and an idiot. 

I opened my bag to look for my phone, ffs.  

My heart was filled with content as I walked past the security beepers, though - more silent than a dead baby squirrel brutally sent on a journey to our lord and saviour Jesus in all seven heavens by a drunk motorist. Or as our fellows in 'Murica would say, "it's just a wee baby roadkill now". May our lord and saviour cleanse you from all your sins (and according to our overqualified security agents, that includes myself for shoplifting, apparently - where do I queue for repentance?).

I bet they had their handcuffs preparing a demonstration of true Romanian law enforcement, them badasses.

If I wanted to steal the perfume, I'd obviously leave my fingerprints on several bottles before throwing a random one into my bag right under the nose of a security agent. Yep, this is exactly how I'd do it, especially in a store that's packed with security cameras to protect the precious profits from potential criminals like myself. I felt uncomfortable when they took my picture and fingerprint for my passport, God damn it.

Because I'm planning to become a criminal, obviously. And Romania's going to need overqualified security agents to catch me.

The person who did this is a creative genius

I know it's a tedious job, but if they keep treating every customer like a potential thief, the store might end up getting less profit than it would if everybody shoplifted.

Or not. Because if you get used to being Romanian for too long, you might end up thinking this sort of attitude is normal.

P.S. A piece of advice for all shoplifter wannabes out there - if you hear the security people talking about you on the walkie talkie while still inside the shop, simply go ahead and go through the beepers with the stolen thing in your bag. It's definitely your only way out of a criminal record.

Things I love about Bioshock Infinite

For those of you who don't know me very well, I'm also a big fan of clever video games (though I'm not technically a gamer) and possibly a bit obsessed with the BioShock series. I'm already used to the fact that all BioShock games are incredibly immersive and built around a solid and creative storyline, but Infinite was definitely one of the most intense gaming experiences I've ever had - along with Amnesia the Dark Descent, of course, which gave me nightmares for weeks and made me shit my pants in my own house even when I'd take a break from playing (which was every ten minutes). 

I'd definitely place BioShock Infinite in my all-time top five favourite video games, although it can't be properly compared to the environment in its two prequels (they're very similar and very different in a way that makes it impossible to tell which one would be "better" or "more immersive" as an overall gaming experience and, you know, food for thought). 

But the thing is I'm simply in love with it and I've annoyed the hell out of everyone by praising it on every suitable occasion. And I'm obviously going to take the opportunity to do that around here as well.

Minor spoilers/plot details to follow.

If you've played any of the first BioShock games by now, you already know game events take place in a desolate, gloomy environment - corridors, parks, abandoned shopping districts and plazas that haven't been tended to for years. Therefore, the city's structure is gradually falling apart, in spite of the history and profound emotional imprint of the areas that are still relatively intact. In the first of the two installments set in the mid-20th century, the player (an airplane crash survivor who discovers a mysterious lighthouse in the middle of the Atlantic) ventures into the underwater city of Rapture, built by megalomaniac Andrew Ryan in the attempt to escape the legal and moral constraints of the modern society, which counted, in his opinion, as the only impediment to the evolution of the human race. 

Rapture's carefully selected citizens, the great who were no longer "constrained by the small", had lost their minds due to the excessive use of plasmids - genetically engineered substances that altered the human DNA, offering various enhancements/abilities to anyone who had the means to pay for it, at the same time causing them to become mentally and physically wrecked ("too spliced up") in the process. 

Bioshock Infinite daringly breaks the pattern and takes the player to the floating air-city of Columbia, with game events to be set in the early 20th century. In a similar way to the previous games, everything begins with a lighthouse and a man sent to set things right - a man whose face, voice and identity are revealed to the player from the beginning, unlike Bioshock 1 and 2. 

Hope you're getting an idea of the kind of stuff I'm talking about. And I still haven't got to the part where I explain the reasons I'm so in love with it.

1. The recurrent theme of dystopia and the player actually being able to explore/interact with the environment before everything went downhill

Columbia is opposed to Rapture's gloomy atmosphere/art deco architecture and unsound citizens the player is presented with from the very beginning (not sure if it's just game art or the fact that they re-built the engine from scratch, probably both). Most of the exploring and shooting takes place in open air, at different times of the day, and the player is given plenty of time to familiarise himself with the environment before the city starts going to hell in the proper sense (which means everything gets completely messed up right before your eyes while you're out there shootin' stuff).

Also, you can ride the skylines at different speeds, which is pretty fucking amazing

2. The fine blend between American Exceptionalism and bigotry

I was impressed by the surprisingly wide range of enemies in BioShock Infinite. Among angered policemen, funnel-headed schoolboys and rioting citizens, we also have to deal with the pestering motorised motorized patriots - psychotic George Washingtons firing crank guns at ya while shouting extremely disturbing things in a creepy mechanic voice (e.g. "The Lord judges, I act"). 

Levels that were meant to reveal more about the history of Columbia are very well linked to the history of the United States, which Columbia had been a part of, and you can notice the fine traces of ancient 'Murican pride (and freedom, of course) in every banner and advertisement throughout the city. Also, from the most useless of props to the most random voice logs you can play to reveal the plot or gain insight of the evil machinations going on in the dystopian city, the level of detail is one of the things that make BioShock games so immersive. 

Like I said, a fuckton of detail

3. The brain-bending paradox of the time-space continuum fitted into the story of a flying city led by a delusional self-proclaimed prophet (apologies for the high density of adjectives)

Honestly, too many spoilers required to give more details. Just to say that these two are some sort of eternal, multi-dimensional entities able to travel to any point/moment in space-time only to troll the hell out of you and create even more confusion to compensate for the otherwise useful hints they provide you with.

4. No matter how many times you've played it before, you'll always notice something new at some point if you give it another go.

That one's self explanatory.  

Well, that's pretty much everything I can share without revealing massive plot details for those of you who'd actually like to play it someday. All I can say is the ending's not very predictable, so from that point of view, it's totally worth the effort.

I'll be back soon with more awesome games to bore you with - in the meantime, try not to get yourselves stepped on by a Big Daddy, would you kindly.

Ballantine's Day special

I've probably said it a thousand times: if God does exist, he's pure evil. See the Epicurean paradox for more details, especially if you're looking to start a Facebook war where the religious and non-religious sides of your friend list shall battle in comments. Excluding the general contradictions I'm not planning to expand on at the moment, and the more serious global issues that could definitely use a divine intervention (e.g. poverty and starvation), God is having a hell of a good time watching people try (and fail) to be happy - provided happiness would be the closest thing to any purpose we may have on this planet. 

For example:

Make two people who are perfect for each other. 

Allow them to get acquainted and experience an unearthly chemistry that's as confusing and nonsensical as it is enlightening.

Put them on two different continents with lots of oceans, ogre swamps, enchanted forests, Narnia and the dark land of Mordor in between, and limit their possibilities to travel or relocate.

To spice things up, make them both socially inept.

Have fun watching. Gawd y u do dis?

While we're still on the love part, could you please get over the fact that not all people who hate Valentine's Day do so because they're, ehm, "frustrated", miserable and unhappy? For some of us it's just a commercial holiday that devalues relationships, regardless of anyone's status. I hate VDay when I'm single as much as I hate it when I'm in a relationship. After all, it's quite unnatural for every couple's most special moments to take place once a year, at the same time as everyone else's. 

I'm celebrating love by spamming your inbox and profile with cheesy clichés to prove my love to you and to the rest of the world. Moreover, social conventions dictate that tonight we are expected to exchange presents, say romantic stuff to each other, have a candle lit dinner, then shag into the next dimension and go back to the boring routine on the following day. This isn't something we could do on a regular day, four times a week or as often as we like.

And then there's being single on Valentine's Day, which in some circles would be the equivalent of being some sort of outcast who's sobbing and masturbating in a corner while others are out there doing more exciting things with their bodies.

Please spare a prayer for the kind soul of Jizzie McFrankenfuck, who would gladly update her Facebook status to 'In a relationship with <you>' at the affordable cost of $150 (but for no longer than two weeks since VDay, mind you). She's there for you if you need to buy love (or at least the image of it) in rough times like these.

Nevertheless, who am I to judge. Only God can judge an entire civilisation by the sins of slitstruck Adam and mischievous Eve. Seems only fair.

I've just realised I've failed to come at peace with everything I despise and not focus my writing on satire. God damn it.

I am... awake!

I've run out of things to criticise. I honestly have. I'm usually known as the quiet one who has a problem with everything, but it I may have finally come at peace with all of the things I despise. Everything a wise man can safely criticise is limited to human stupidity and generally things that can be improved (the latter is commonly known as the 'constructive criticism' very few people understand or give a shit about). I realised I've grown indifferent to others' stupidity, or at least indifferent enough not to blog or rant about it on a regular basis. 

I've decided to make this blog more about myself and less about other people or their wrongdoings. I rarely share any relevant things about my wicked mischievous self (i.e. more than the fact that I love cats and my appreciation of dark humour), so as long as I feel comfortable doing it here, why the hell not. I'm not going to describe a regular day of my life in a pedantic or excessively poetical language, but simply insist more on introspection rather than satire. I have feelings, you know. And a lot of crazy shit going on worth telling. 

Who am I, to begin with? Someone different than what I appear to others. Everyone hides things as a precautionary measure or to protect themselves from scrutiny, and everyone behaves differently depending on the people they're with. However, I might be wearing more masks than the average person. I'm (too) nice, boring and have a bit of a bad temper, especially when things don't work my way. I've been the target of karma and unusual coincidences for a long time, up to the point where nothing in this world could surprise me right now, whether it's Peeves the Poltergeist or falling madly in love with someone who subsequently proved to be my long-lost cousin. I really don't believe in supernatural stuff, though - just in a certain order of things, and a small world of course (not to be confused with 'universe'). 

You're about to realise that I'm also unbearably stubborn and cynical, despite being very easy to get along with. However, I'm not particularly easy to connect with - I once gave someone the impression we were very good friends simply because we hung out and I was patiently putting up with her bullshit. I didn't feel sorry for her, as she had a very selfish/limited understanding of friendship and displayed a frightening intelligence deficit. Made my life a living hell for a whole year.

People love talking about themselves and I could go on for ages; however, I'm getting too bored for that at the moment so I'm going to stop here. I'm also very sleepy because I'm a night owl with mild sociopathic tendencies, and it's getting quite late even according to my standards.

Or maybe I'm mental in the proper sense. Who knows...

My alter ego