Ballantine's Day special

I've probably said it a thousand times: if God does exist, he's pure evil. See the Epicurean paradox for more details, especially if you're looking to start a Facebook war where the religious and non-religious sides of your friend list shall battle in comments. Excluding the general contradictions I'm not planning to expand on at the moment, and the more serious global issues that could definitely use a divine intervention (e.g. poverty and starvation), God is having a hell of a good time watching people try (and fail) to be happy - provided happiness would be the closest thing to any purpose we may have on this planet. 

For example:

Make two people who are perfect for each other. 

Allow them to get acquainted and experience an unearthly chemistry that's as confusing and nonsensical as it is enlightening.

Put them on two different continents with lots of oceans, ogre swamps, enchanted forests, Narnia and the dark land of Mordor in between, and limit their possibilities to travel or relocate.

To spice things up, make them both socially inept.

Have fun watching. Gawd y u do dis?

While we're still on the love part, could you please get over the fact that not all people who hate Valentine's Day do so because they're, ehm, "frustrated", miserable and unhappy? For some of us it's just a commercial holiday that devalues relationships, regardless of anyone's status. I hate VDay when I'm single as much as I hate it when I'm in a relationship. After all, it's quite unnatural for every couple's most special moments to take place once a year, at the same time as everyone else's. 

I'm celebrating love by spamming your inbox and profile with cheesy clichés to prove my love to you and to the rest of the world. Moreover, social conventions dictate that tonight we are expected to exchange presents, say romantic stuff to each other, have a candle lit dinner, then shag into the next dimension and go back to the boring routine on the following day. This isn't something we could do on a regular day, four times a week or as often as we like.

And then there's being single on Valentine's Day, which in some circles would be the equivalent of being some sort of outcast who's sobbing and masturbating in a corner while others are out there doing more exciting things with their bodies.

Please spare a prayer for the kind soul of Jizzie McFrankenfuck, who would gladly update her Facebook status to 'In a relationship with <you>' at the affordable cost of $150 (but for no longer than two weeks since VDay, mind you). She's there for you if you need to buy love (or at least the image of it) in rough times like these.

Nevertheless, who am I to judge. Only God can judge an entire civilisation by the sins of slitstruck Adam and mischievous Eve. Seems only fair.

I've just realised I've failed to come at peace with everything I despise and not focus my writing on satire. God damn it.